Words of a Love Song (Bucky Barnes x Reader)

Warnings: Depression, Angst, Sad Bucky

Note: Its been a while since I wrote something sad. I wasn’t openly aiming to have a sad fic. It just sort of happened. This story is based off of two songs that hit me way too close to home. “When You’re Gone” by Avril Lavigne and “If I Die Young” by the Band Perry. The song in the story is “The Call” by Regina Spektor. I hope you enjoy the my lovelies.

You can also argue that this is part 2 of my Don’t Belong story. But I say its a stand alone fic~

(Set during the war in the 1940′s.)

It finally stopped hurting.

You could breathe normally again.

You could move again.

But why did it feel like something was holding you back?

~

You were coughing as badly as a man with a severe smoking addiction. Every cough made your throat and chest expand and hurt. You wanted it to stop.

You were stitching a rather large wound on a soldier’s shoulder who had just come back from a nightly scouting mission. You had enough practice doing this kind of treatment because you were one of the few nurses tasked to treat the commando unit of Steve Rogers or who everyone fondly called Captain America. You supposed you were assigned to take care of that unit because you worked fast and somehow soldiers treated under your hands recovered faster. When asked how you managed to do that, you would smile and say you’d sing to them a lullaby that would calm their nerves. You were sure relaxing even a little bit would help.

You were halfway done when you felt the sudden urge to cough again. You tried to fight it but it didn’t show signs of backing down. Right before you coughed, you handed the thread and needle to Maria, another nurse in that tent.

Your cough was loud, raspy and was noticed by many. Maria gave you a look of concern as she sighed. “Y/N, get some rest. Not just because you’re sick and you may infect the soldiers. You really look like you need some sleep.” Maria encouraged as you insisted on continuing your work.

“No I can’t stop. If I am not pulling my weight, I will probably be sent back home...or relocated to a city far from here.” you protested. You knew it was true. There was a long list of nurses who could take your place at the camp if you proved to be invaluable. You couldn’t let that happen. You needed to be here. You needed to stay for him. You needed to know with your own eyes that he came back safely from every dangerous kill mission his team was assigned to.

Maria gave you a stern look. “Please Y/N. Get some rest.”

You shook your head. “Not til they come back.”

Maria handed the needle to another nurse who she asked to finish the stitching. “Y/N, get some sleep, I’ll ask one of the men to inform Sergeant Barnes when he comes back.”

You shook your head again in protest but before you could speak again, you coughed so badly that you started coughing up blood. You felt woozy and the last thing you saw was Maria’s deeply concerned and shocked expression.

~

(Flashback)

No goodbyes. Just an exchange of smiles and silent “I love you’s.” You remembered seeing his smile before he walked out to go on a new HYDRA infiltration mission.

One. Two. Three.

You wanted to scream for him to come back. To not go.

Four. Five. Six.

You’d miss him and you didn’t know how long he’d be gone. He could be dead the next time you see him. There could be no warning.

Seven. Eight. Nine.

Could you go with him? No that was ridiculous. He was a soldier. You were just volunteered help.

Ten. Eleven. Twelve.

Maybe they’ll come back unharmed. Maybe you wouldn’t have to see Bucky’s hurt face when you would clean his wounds. He kept getting more with every mission.

Thirteen. Fourteen. Fifteen.

You wanted to wrap your arms around him. Feel his arms around your body. Feel the warmth, safety and love that his embrace would always provide.

Sixteen. Seventeen. Eighteen.

“Be safe Bucky...” you whispered as wind blew. Maybe it would carry your worries and love to him. Was that such a silly thought?

It took thirty-four steps. Thirty four steps for him to vanish from your view. You had not taken your eyes of off his retreating form so when you did, you realized that everyone else had gone back to their duties at the camp.

You took one last look at the path he and his unit took before whispering “ .Please come back to me soon.”

You knew he would do whatever he could. Bucky Barnes, your Bucky Barnes was a survivor.

.~

(Different Flashback)

He couldn’t do it. He was tired, bruised and sleep-deprived. It was so simple. All he had to do was close his eyes and let his drowsiness take over. When he started to do so and close his eyes, he saw your face. He saw your face, your bright eyes, your smile. That smile made his heart feel a bit warmer.

Then your happy face turned sad and depressed. The happiness in your eyes faded and tears started form and fall. Your smile was gone and the image made Bucky’s heart ache. The missing part that you took from him. It hurt.

No. He had to survive. He needed to see you. He wouldn’t allow himself to be the reason you cried.

“I’m coming back  Y/N. I promise.” he said as he continued on.

(End of Flashbacks)

~

You woke up somehow sweating and shivering at the same time. You tried to get up and as you did, you noticed a jacket slip off your form. You picked it up on the floor beside the medical bed you had apparently been sleeping in. Your head felt horrible like you had hit concrete multiple times. How did you get there? What were you doing before that?

You looked around and saw one of your fellow nurses wearing a face mask. She noticed you get up and quickly left the room. How rude.

You wanted to say something but your throat felt dry. How long were you out? You remembered not wanting to rest. Oh God. The nurse was probably off to tell one of the officials that you were awake so that they could relieve you of your duty. What use was a sick nurse? Nothing. Nothing but irony.

You tensed up feeling tears starting to form. You couldn’t leave. You held on tighter to the jacket that you were currently holding and noticed that one of your hands was squeezing into a name plate.

‘J. Barnes.’ it wrote.

Your heart skipped a beat. Was this Bucky’s jacket? Had he been here? How long were you really out?

You brought it up to your face and took a deep breath in. It was quite faint but you caught his unique smell. Something that somehow soothed your anxieties.

“You always looked better in my clothes than I did.”

You tensed up again at the sudden voice but smiled brightly when you saw Bucky. He stood at the edge of the tented area and slowly made his way to your bed. You moved a little bit to your side so that he could sit beside you.

The first thing he did after he sat down, was stroke your hair out of your face then kiss you on the forehead. He then kissed your shoulder and then set his chin there. His beautiful hazenut eyes stared right at you.

You scoffed slightly. “I’m fine.”

Bucky just laughed. “I didn’t even say anything, gorgeous.”

“But you were thinking it weren’t you? I know I’m a little sick. But I can work just fine.” you pouted.

“I missed you, Y/N. You and your adorable facial expressions.” he said with a smile plastered to his face. His smile seemed more contagious than whatever you contracted as you couldn’t help but smile back at him.

“When did-” you began but started coughing. “When did you-” more coughing. “Get--back?” Oh no.

Bucky looked at you with such concern in his eyes. The proud happy expression he had turned into complete seriousness and concern.

“Yesterday. I was one of the first to limp his way back to the camp. I went looking for you but I got word from some of the nurses that you were really sick.” He explained. He put his hand on your cheek and stroked it slowly.

You frowned. “You’re going to get sick too, Bucky. You should leave.”

This comment earned you a tug closer to Bucky as he pulled your shirt to him to bring you two closer. “Did you hear me, Y/N? I limped back to the camp. I wanted to see my favorite girl. I wanted to see you but you were in a deep sleep. So I had to wait and get checked up by some other nurse. Some nurse harshly popped my ankle back and it still kind of hurts.” he grimaced. “I told the nurse keeping an eye on you that I wanted to know the moment my nurse was up so I could see her.” Bucky confided as he tapped the area in your chest at every mention of you.

Despite how sick you were, Bucky did not hesitate to kiss you. It was a strong, quick yet passionate kiss that told you that his words were all true.

“Bucky! You’ll get sick too!” you cried only to have Bucky steal another kiss from you.

“Y/N. You’re my girl. Nothing will stop me from wanting to kiss you.” he whispered sweetly. He brushed his knuckles at your cheek again and the feeling made you stop talking. His joking expression was interrupted by another painful session of you coughing. When you finished, you looked at Bucky who had a clearly worried look. You swore you almost saw tears forming. “Don’t die...”

His words and expression were haunting. Your lovable joking Bucky Barnes was openly sad and it hurt to see him that way. “I could say the same for you, Buck. Every time you go on a new operation, I have this fear you won’t come back.”

“Whenever I go on a mission, I worry that you won’t be there to come back to. That something happened to the camp while I was away.” he retorted with a smile. A sad smile.

You sighed not knowing what to say.

This talk was something you both knew but never wanted to talk about. Talking about it made the possibilities seem more real. More likely to happen. Both of you didn’t want that.

“Just...Y/N...please don’t die. I need you.” Bucky finally muttered after a brief silence. He rested his forehead on yours. He didn’t look at you. He looked down and you knew why. He didn’t want you to see him cry. He was a soldier. He was your protector. He was your hero. None of those roles allowed crying and yet here he was. Weak at the thought of losing you.

“Bucky...” you said his name as you withdrew your head to see his whole face. Both your hands rested on his cheeks as you lifted up his face to meet his gaze. He wasn’t crying but his eyes were watery. He was trying his hardest not to cry. And you found it so sweet.

“My precious soldier...” you cooed. “If ever I die without you, here’s what I want you to do. Are you listening?” you asked. Bucky nodded still unable to speak. Luckily, no one else was in the room.

“If I die young, I want you to promise that you will take a balloon, attach a note and a pen to it and set it free. I’ll find it and send you the place we’ll meet at alright? And you do the same for me.” you showed him a small smile. Your heart felt like it was being torn apart but you had to give each other hope. You had to be strong. For both of you.

“Please don’t go.” he said finally blinking rapidly and allowing tears to stream down his face.

“Bucky...” you insisted as you slowly caressed his cheeks.

You both stayed like that for a while until he finally nodded. “Yes Mam.”

“I love you Bucky. Always and forever.”

~

(In a hospital in the city nearest to the camp)

“It hurts! Please make it stop! Please!” you cried. Your body was in so much pain. Breathing made your insides burn. You didn’t understand what was happening. You coughed up blood again and it made the doctors worry. “Where is he? Please I need him. Tell him to come back sooner.” you begged as the pain intensified. The doctors didn’t know what to do. Or how to get the urgent message to Sergeant Barnes.

~

(Flashback - Patching up the team. Several months before story events.)

“Don’t get me wrong, Barnes. She’s a beauty but what is so special about her? Why do you insist on getting treated by her?” one of the men of Steve’s unit questioned.

Bucky looked at Steve. “You know how well my girl can heal up an injury, Steve?”

Steve just looked at Bucky and silently laughed.

“I say Barnes is biased. He just has his own little nurse wrapped around his finger. It is only because he can do what ever he pleases with her.” one of the other men laughed. And many of the others joined in.

“I don’t know about that, boys. I think he’s more wrapped around my finger.” you smirked proudly as you entered the tented area with several bottles of alcohol in hand. You set the bottles down and looked over a paper of all the listed injuries of the unit. You caught Bucky’s gaze and you smiled when you saw him wink at you. You proceeded make your rounds around the tent; reading the paper and observing at all their injuries with your own eyes.

“At least none of you are in critical condition.” you openly exclaimed. “Just a few scratches. One bullet wound?” you asked and one of the men raised his hand then pointed to his thigh. “Aw don’t worry about that cupcake. We’ll get that fixed.”

All the members of the unit looked at you in an observing and judgmental manner and you suddenly became self-conscious.

“What is wrong with my face?” you asked instinctively as you touched your cheeks and forehead. Bucky laughed slightly before getting up.“The boys are wondering what’s so special about you, Y/N.” he smirked.

“Everyone is like that, Sergeant.” you smiled. “Though I wonder what people have actually said about me. I’m just a volunteer.” you looked at Bucky who was smiling at you. It was like a secret conversation.

They’ll love you, don’t worry.

I’m just here to help.

“Now, everyone, get a drink and get comfy.” you said as you began to pass around the alcohol.

“Alcohol as medicine?” the men laughed.

“Well I think its helpful when you want to recover. The happier you are, the faster you get better.” you said as the other nurses in your unit started to clean up their wounds and such.

“I was told you all needed to get better as soon as possible. That’s why you were all brought to me.” you wondered aloud as you began stitching a wound on Bucky’s cheek. You did as quick as possible for him and all the others that followed. By the time you were done, the men had only finished around half of the alcohol you brought. That wasn’t the most impressive thing yet.

“So what made you want to be a soldier?” you asked them.

The answers were a variety of the same answer.

“To serve my country.”

“To protect my girls!”

“Its what a man has to do.”

“It just felt like something we all needed to do, Y/N.” Steve said lastly.

By that point, the drowsiness that came with drinking was finally kicking in. It was perfect timing as you were half way done cleaning up a wound on Bucky’s face.

“You all need some rest, boys. Get some well deserved shut eye,” you cooed. Bucky looked at you knowing what to expect. This was the part where you’d sing everyone to sleep. You smiled back before your lullaby began.

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

You chose this song so that maybe in their sleep, the boys would find a little more hope to fight. You knew how easily depressed soldiers could get and that when they were sad, it was a deep sadness and self-loathing. If you could somehow remind them of how and why they wanted to become soldiers, it would reduce the chance of them becoming depressed.

Being a soldier usually started out as a want. It felt like something a boy must do. As the boy would grow, the want would turn into a dream and then into a goal.

And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry
I'll come back when you call me
No need to say goodbye

Soon that goal will be reachable and the boy who wanted to become a soldier will have to grow up to be the man he needs to be. There is no true preparation one can undergo to live with war. It changes everyone it can touch.

You always worried about what each mission was doing to Bucky. Was he slowly turning into a relentless soldier? You hoped that the weights of war would not totally consume him and change him. When he went on a mission, you both never said goodbye. It was like a silent promise because you both knew you’d meet again.

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to the war

As you sing more of the song, you scanned the room and noticed that many of the men were at least half asleep. You smiled at everyone. They all seemed like a good team. They all struggled against HYDRA and through that struggle a strong bond was formed.

Pick a star on the dark horizon and follow the light
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

This last part, you dedicated to Bucky. If ever you both were apart, you’d both stare at the night sky and look at the brightest star knowing that the other was staring at it too.

The morning after that, the whole unit felt relaxed and refreshed. They were all surprised and called Bucky’s nurse a sorceress. It wasn’t magic. It was just a healthy dose of tender loving care.

(End of Flashback)

~

The letter Bucky received as soon as he got back to the camp felt like a bullet hit him in the heart. He did everything in his power to get to the hospital where they had Y/N. Steve and the others were confused at his sudden departure but when they all noticed that Y/N was not around to greet them back, their hearts grew heavy.

~

It was over.

There was no more pain.

You could not taste that tangy metallic paste in your mouth.

You felt light. You felt like dancing. You felt like you could finally rest.

But then you heard screaming. You coudn’t understand what it was but it prevented you from sleeping. Who was stopping you from your sleep?

“Y/N!!”

Bucky...?

~

As soon as he got to your room, he shouted your name. Many of the  the doctors and nurses left. He rushed to your side and grabbed your hand. You were too pale compared to how he remembered you looked. Was it from all the blood loss? No, you didn’t have any bullet injuries. So why? What was happening to you?

Sing me a song.

Bucky flinched. He thought he heard your voice but that wasn’t possible as you had several tubes in your mouth that tried to help you breathe.

I want a lullaby Bucky. I want to sleep.

This time he heard it so clearly. He didn’t bother wondering why or how he heard those words. He just knew and felt like a song was what you really wanted. But he didn’t want you to sleep. He didn’t want you to leave him.

Please? It hurts Bucky....

Bucky shivered. But slowly, he opened his mouth to sing to you as you had always done for him when he was sick.

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget

At that moment, he didn’t care who heard him sing. He knew it was awful but he continued because he knew that it would cheer Y/N up.

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes

“You'll come back when they call you...No...no.. need to say ...goodbye....” he said crying. By this point he was holding your body. You were cold and Bucky tried to embrace you to share his warmth with you.

He couldn’t lose you. He wouldn’t. You were too important to him. As he started to lose his cool, Bucky began to talk fast. If you would open your eyes, he would tell you that he would do anything to let the war end soon so you could both go home and settle down in a nice house.

He promised you both would go dancing til your feet were red and sore.

He told you that he would try his best to buy you that dress you always wanted on one of the dress shops you always passed by.

He asked you how many kids you wanted. One? Two? Five? Would you let Steve be the godfather? It didn’t matter. A family with you would be amazing.

Bucky thought of so many more things but could not say anymore between sobs. Then he heard a voice.

“Bucky...?”

He looked up with a bright smile on his face. “Y/N!”

But you were fast asleep. Eyes closed though a small smile was on your lips. He kissed you hoping you’d kiss him back.

“Bucky....she’s gone.”

Steve’s words hit him so hard. He never got to say goodbye.

Why wasn’t he there faster? Why did you have to leave him?

Why?

Was this forever?